Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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