Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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