Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
