I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
