the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
