please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
