All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
