And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
