Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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