just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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