I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
