Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
