I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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