The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
