Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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