if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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