Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
