wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
