My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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