I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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