So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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