she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
