So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
