My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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