You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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