I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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