Where did you get a picture of my penis
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Randomize
