Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
