you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
