i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
