no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
