Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
