Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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