I have demons in me.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
