In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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