just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
