nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
