Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i will never coherently bang her
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
