forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
