I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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