I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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