thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
