Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
