We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
