I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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