We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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