i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
