Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
