who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Pooping to opera.
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