Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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