the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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