I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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